Guide to
Washington DC
James Schloeffel
Travel Blogger

Cheerfully nicknamed “the Swamp” by locals, Washington DC is the current centre of Western power and democracy, and is a must visit destination for anyone planning a US holiday or terrorist attack.

Capitol Hill

The birthplace of trickle-down economics, named after the way money trickles from the top of the hill, all the way down to the lobbyists at the bottom.

Things to see: The Capitol Building

The home of freedom, it’s here that the nation’s representatives meet to discuss how much that freedom should cost, and how it will be carved up amongst the nation’s donors.

The National Mall

Named ‘the shittest mall in America’, National Mall doesn’t have a single Starbucks.

Things to see: The Lincoln Memorial

A striking and poignant memorial built in 1922 to honour America’s 16th President. Be sure to visit soon, as the statue is scheduled to be replaced in late 2017 with a statue of Donald Trump.


Things to see: The Jefferson Memorial

A shitter version of the Lincoln Memorial. Perfect for those who want to see a Presidential memorial but aren’t sold on emancipation.

The White House

Some famous names have occupied the White House over the years. Roosevelt, JFK, Reagan, and between 2000 and 2008, Halliburton Inc.

Things to see: The situation room

Stroll on into the situation room and you’ll be instantly gifted a two-for-one deal with a free tour of Guantanamo Bay!

Iwo Jima Memorial

This memorial depicts the American tradition of a bunch of white American policemen totally overwhelming and then shooting an unarmed from a racial minority. Very powerful.

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The International Spy Museum

A fascinating, if slightly macabre, collection of all the bodies of international spies captured by the US since 1954.

Things to see: Nothing

There is no spy museum. We don’t know what you’re talking about, and if such a place did exist we were certainly not anywhere in its vicinity.

The Smithsonian

A collection of museums and research facilities committed to advancing our understanding of science and other fake news. Sad!

The Pentagon

The headquarters of US’s entire military-industrial complex, the Pentagon’s five sided shape was chosen after the designer’s first choice of an upside down cross was rejected.


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