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The Chaser's
America Survival Guide
Cam Smith
CAM SMITH
Travel Blogger

Survival guides are always handy to have when traveling to a foreign country, and in Donald Trump’s America the survival guide couldn’t be more needed, nor literal in its meaning. Below you’ll find some of the most useful bits of advice the Chaser has picked up during previous visits to the States.

 
 

Visas

Entry Visas to the United States may or may not be issued to tourists depending on the day’s executive orders. Before boarding any flight to the US please check the latest legal decisions on the Supreme Court’s website and the President’s Twitter feed.
 
 

Food

Various national advisory councils have issued recommendations against consuming any food while traveling in the United States due to the effects it may have on your health. Travellers are warned not to consume food from street stalls or traveling vendors, as there is a high risk this food may contain American mustard.
 
 

Money

Thanks to the innovation and high-tech wizardry coming out of Silicon Valley, most payments in America are made via chequebooks. Please keep in mind your outdated tap-to-pay cards will most likely not be accepted in most shops in the United States, though for efficiency an increasing number of street muggers are accepting tap-and-go payments.

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Health

As a thriving first-world country, America has a top-rate healthcare system for its wealthy upper classes. For the rest of the population, and travellers from other countries, standard medical procedures and trips to the doctor are uncommon, and can instead be replaced with prayer and the rubbing of various crystals. Be sure to pack your crystals before departing from your country of origin, as high demand has seen American healing crystals skyrocket in price in recent years.
 
 

Legal Issues

Whereas people from other countries often settle minor disputes through “discussion” or “not caring”, in America any and all disputes are handled by their country’s justice system. A good example of this was the recent attempt by the President to take a court to court, over it’s decision to hold up the decision from another court. Foreigners may struggle with this concept, and may be met with confused stares from waitstaff and retail workers if they politely request an issue be resolved, rather than threatening legal action.

As a rule of thumb, if in doubt it’s best to just threaten to sue everyone. The worst case outcome is you might come out a few million dollars richer.
 
 

Best Time to Go

The Department of Foreign Affairs currently advises that all travel to America should be conducted before the year 2017. While this may sound like all travel is off the cards, it is actually not an issue at all, as America voted to return to the year 1950 at last year’s election. Be sure to wind back your watch when you arrive, and check your respect for women’s rights at the terminal gate.
 


 
 

Phrasebook


As Oscar Wilde once said “America and Britain are two countries separated by a fucking massive ocean.” But what he failed to realise was that they also have differences in their languages.

For example, a first time visitor might think waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like a great way to spend a day, but boy let me tell you it’s not nearly as fun as it sounds.

Here’s a few phrases that may cause some confusion for speakers of real English when visiting the United States:

Phrase in English American Translation
Okay Great!
Good Great!
Oh dear Really great!
Beer Strong water
Coffee Brown water
Hot coffee Court case
Extra large Regular
Turnbull Trumble
Healthcare Communism
Socialism Communism
Communism Nazis
Nazis Alt-Right
Lies Alternative facts
Tax fraud Alternative tax
Footpath Segway area
Vaguely interesting Awesome
I never wish to see you again Let’s do lunch sometime
Sex pest President

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