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Guide to
Religion in the US
Charles Firth
CHARLES FIRTH
Travel Blogger

The first wave of European settlers to America were religious refugees, fleeing persecution for their puritan beliefs in Europe. Unfortunately, American Indians had foolishly not implemented ‘extreme vetting’ procedures, and so the refugees got in, and modern America was founded.

This history has meant that religious freedom played a pivotal role in the founding ethos of America from 1492, all the way up until November 8, 2016. Here is an overview of the major religions in America.

CHRISTIANITY

Follows the teachings of a man born in the Middle East, so who must have looked something like this:

SCIENTOLOGY

Divine truth can be attained by anyone in Scientology, but chances increase if box office receipts total more than $500 million in the last financial year. Fully paid-up members can make those masseur rumours go away.

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WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH

No military funeral is complete without the presence of the Phelps family. Wrongly referred to as ‘America’s most hated family’ by people who’ve forgotten about the Osmonds.

JUDAISM

One of the oldest religions in the world. It’s survived the Holocaust, Hamas and Mel Gibson, so don’t bet your money on it going away anytime soon.

While Christianity is the dominant religion in America, Christians have made an effort to make Jews feel at home

AMISH

People who don’t understand how life-affirming staring at a screen can be.

 

Presidential candidate and mormon, Mitt Romney, seen here with his cult family

MORMONISM

American-made religion, and as such, you can supersize your number of wives.

 

CHRISTIANS AGAINST DINOSAURS

God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Stegosaurus.

 

APPLE

Steve Jobs has been declared a modern prophet and saint by his many devout followers. As a result, Apple enjoys tax-free status.

 

THE MARKET

Many Americans place their faith in a mysterious, omnipotent power they refer to as The Market. Over the decades placing more and more blind faith in The Market has resulted in higher inequality, but believers remain convinced that eventually The Market will allow benefits to trickle down to them.

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